Tagged hope

NYC Lady Bug

  A lady bug flew into my room. It was 2017 in NYC.  It was September. I had that broken heart and the lady bug didn’t belong there. The noises were loud. The smell of cement and rain filled the air. She was there though. She sat on my finger. She gave me hope. It…

My Wedding Anniversary?

Yesterday I felt so sad but had no idea why. Now I know. The ocean. I went to her yesterday. It was largely an accident but somehow I ended up on a beach. The ocean was trying to tell me that my wedding anniversary would have happened the next day; today. She wanted me to think about…

Memory

“I don’t want to let the memories go.” “But you were never made to live in a memory.”

I saw my Ex-Husband

I saw him yesterday. It has been six months. Fernando, the ex. I was speaking to a good friend about what the experience of seeing him might be like. She offered maybe I would think to myself, “I am so glad this didn’t work out.”  That wasn’t exactly what happened. I could feel him walking up to me from about thirty feet away. He always did have a particular kind of smile. In fact, he has one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. We didn’t touch but his warmth beside me as we walked was familiar. Tears…

Hurt People Hurt People

I wish there was somewhere you could go that would make you want to thrive. There was a quote I read once, “There is a world within us all.” That world was created when you were a child. There were many factors that grew your inner-world.  Your parents, your friends, your school, your teachers, your trauma, your genetic make-up. Some inner-worlds are seas of defense mechanisms.  Those defense mechanisms cause havoc. It takes so much strength to see yourself clearly. It takes so much especially if you were formed by toxic moments.  Maybe you had the best childhood but a…

Divorce Thinkings

It’s a word I play around with. I used to hear the word out loud and it felt like I was cursing. The word “divorce” feels heavier to me than the word death. Divorce. I went through a stage where every person I met I would say, “Hi, I’m divorced.” It was my identity for a while. Being a wife was the identity I clung to before so it makes sense to me that I would then incorporate this new identity. “Hi, I’m divorced.” I gained twenty pounds from my divorce. I drank wine for a few months and I…