Tagged divorce

My Wedding Anniversary?

Yesterday I felt so sad but had no idea why. Now I know. The ocean. I went to her yesterday. It was largely an accident but somehow I ended up on a beach. The ocean was trying to tell me that my wedding anniversary would have happened the next day; today. She wanted me to think about…

His Yellow Shirt

This is a spoken word/poetic story that was also performed at The Moth in L.A. on Valentine’s Day in 2017.  This writing expresses the depths of my feelings towards divorce and along with that my questioning religion. “He was wearing that yellow shirt. His eyes sparkled.”      

Moving Forward is a Choice

“Moving forward is a choice.” I have read that in many places. Choice. I thought I would wake up one day and not feel sad anymore about losing my marriage. I thought it would be like the child who wakes up four inches taller than a few months previous.  Part of healing is like that…

I saw my Ex-Husband

I saw him yesterday. It has been six months. Fernando, the ex. I was speaking to a good friend about what the experience of seeing him might be like. She offered maybe I would think to myself, “I am so glad this didn’t work out.”  That wasn’t exactly what happened. I could feel him walking up to me from about thirty feet away. He always did have a particular kind of smile. In fact, he has one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. We didn’t touch but his warmth beside me as we walked was familiar. Tears…

Divorce Thinkings

It’s a word I play around with. I used to hear the word out loud and it felt like I was cursing. The word “divorce” feels heavier to me than the word death. Divorce. I went through a stage where every person I met I would say, “Hi, I’m divorced.” It was my identity for a while. Being a wife was the identity I clung to before so it makes sense to me that I would then incorporate this new identity. “Hi, I’m divorced.” I gained twenty pounds from my divorce. I drank wine for a few months and I…

Dating, I think no.

“It’s been long enough, isn’t it time? How long is enough time? You will miss him when he comes. You can’t put time lines on things like this.” “Oh I can and I must.” “And God your list, who can live up to that?” “I won’t settle again. I can bend my list but most of it is non-negotiable.” “Even the homozygous versus heterozygous blue eye color crap?” “Wouldn’t it make a great first date? I sure could speed date him into the ground.” “You aren’t supposed to put any date into the ground.” “I told you I wasn’t ready.”…

Invite me to the wedding?

Dear Dear One, The smell of grass. It doesn’t remind me of you anymore. I noticed yesterday. The wind blew. Newly cut grass thrown in the breeze. I caught it. It struck me later in such a way that left me sad. The image of a man came to me. He stood under a fiery sun. He wore a straw hat. His skin was brown. His eyes bled with salt; it poured sweat. “Wanna go for a ride?” He had the warmest hand. His smile whisked worries away. His agility moved with unceasing grace. He climbed trees. Once upon a…

Sunday Night Summer Reflections

He said, “Part of the grace on your life is who you were not born as. No matter how bad it is, it could always be worse.” I watch people. I examine myself. How often does that haughtiness come out? You know the one. The one where you think to yourself, “I’d never do that.” Pride. I’ve seen many fall from the hands of pride including myself. I am capable of all things. I could have been him or her had I been born into their world. I’ll never know. You won’t either. I was at work Sunday night. I…