Will you Please Shut your Mouth and Listen?

Dear Humans, If there was one thing I could currently make a person stop doing, it would be to stop comparing someone else’s journey to their own. “Well, I know how she feels because I went through this too,” or “I know what it is like and I had it worse!” As if their experience makes them the authority. The truth is we don’t know how people feel. We are not them. If I compare my experience to yours so definitively, I have absolutely robbed you of your right to your own experience. The comparison trap is a terrible place…

I saw my Ex-Husband

I saw him yesterday. It has been six months. Fernando, the ex. I was speaking to a good friend about what the experience of seeing him might be like. She offered maybe I would think to myself, “I am so glad this didn’t work out.”  That wasn’t exactly what happened. I could feel him walking up to me from about thirty feet away. He always did have a particular kind of smile. In fact, he has one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. We didn’t touch but his warmth beside me as we walked was familiar. Tears…

Hurt People Hurt People

I wish there was somewhere you could go that would make you want to thrive. There was a quote I read once, “There is a world within us all.” That world was created when you were a child. There were many factors that grew your inner-world.  Your parents, your friends, your school, your teachers, your trauma, your genetic make-up. Some inner-worlds are seas of defense mechanisms.  Those defense mechanisms cause havoc. It takes so much strength to see yourself clearly. It takes so much especially if you were formed by toxic moments.  Maybe you had the best childhood but a…

SIGNS

I went to NYC for a few days. I had a free plane ticket. I had free classes and I had a wonderful friend let me stay at her place. People look for signs. The only sign you see is the one you want and that sign is largely shaped by your own mental process. If you see someone that you desire romantically, you look for the signs. If you want to become a doctor, you will see the signs that suggest you should indeed become one. If you want someone to be terrible, you will see the signs. My…

Divorce Thinkings

It’s a word I play around with. I used to hear the word out loud and it felt like I was cursing. The word “divorce” feels heavier to me than the word death. Divorce. I went through a stage where every person I met I would say, “Hi, I’m divorced.” It was my identity for a while. Being a wife was the identity I clung to before so it makes sense to me that I would then incorporate this new identity. “Hi, I’m divorced.” I gained twenty pounds from my divorce. I drank wine for a few months and I…

Dating, I think no.

“It’s been long enough, isn’t it time? How long is enough time? You will miss him when he comes. You can’t put time lines on things like this.” “Oh I can and I must.” “And God your list, who can live up to that?” “I won’t settle again. I can bend my list but most of it is non-negotiable.” “Even the homozygous versus heterozygous blue eye color crap?” “Wouldn’t it make a great first date? I sure could speed date him into the ground.” “You aren’t supposed to put any date into the ground.” “I told you I wasn’t ready.”…

Forgiveness What?

Forgiveness. I bet they didn’t tell you it would take a million thoughts. You would have to grieve over and over. You would stare at walls with despair as your companion. They didn’t tell you that you would have to repeat to yourself over and over the humanity that makes people who they are. I bet they never told you how you would forget that you had decided to forgive. You still don’t call. You still stay far away. You still think about them the way you used too. You see them and think, “Oh its not so bad.” Then…

Record of Love

If love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, does that mean I have to let go of the past and pretend it never happened? I think about a couple where one or both are caught in infidelity. If the couple decides to stay together and work it out then that means the work of healing…

Bitter Prison

She said, “Its an issue of identity.” I looked for it. I must not have one. Intangible objects I still wish to touch. Faceless but still here. Like the wind, as gravity. It was the way she hated me. It was jealousy. It was bitterness. Bitterness blocked me. Intangible prisons Faceless barriers Immaterial freedom They say is forgiveness Forgiveness is the way back home  

Biology of Love

I keep thinking about the biology of falling in love. I warn all the women I meet! I was serving a few weeks ago and made a potentially terrible mistake! I had run a woman’s card for another table. She wasn’t gone yet but definitely about to be to her car. I was in freak-out/calm…