April 1, 2019
I scroll on social media when I am bored. Lately, this is often. There is a longing under there. If the scroll isn’t enough, I download a dating app. I peruse through it for a few days. I like to swipe more than I like to chat with anyone. I talk to a few men I will never date. I listen to them give me their wisdom from South Park. They tell me about the video games they play. I feel the waste of my time feeling. I delete the app. I repeat.
I go on with life. I deactivate my social media accounts. I have more time to focus. Time brings more thinking. Thinking brings anxiety. Anxiety brings up the question, was it really such a big deal to get away from all of my social media?
I download the dating app again. It always was the middle of the night. That time when I felt like I wasn’t where I belonged. I searched and continue to search for some specific connection. I search to find the place that fits. It will never be on the screen. It might be inside of me. It might be in an unread book, or on my roof wrapped in a blanket underneath the stars. It might be a weeping child buried deep inside my bones. She is asking for comfort.
Some say this uneasiness, it is the ache for God but I know he is there and this isn’t quite an ache. The songs say, “Only he can satisfy.”
I made a pact to myself that I would stay away from social media when the anxiety builds. I want life to be more than a dead-eyed scroll.