Record of Love

If love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, does that mean I have to let go of the past and pretend it never happened?

I think about a couple where one or both are caught in infidelity. If the couple decides to stay together and work it out then that means the work of healing includes to keep no record of the wrong.

A  record.

The greatest love is to let go of the record.

I cling to the record that has been the song that I have hated all my life and yet I like it.

I fight with this because I don’t want to let go of my story. I feel as if I must let go of the story of my life to love the people in my life. I don’t understand what the medium is.

I am tortured by the question. I hang in the question. I have never forgotten when she said, “The answer is in the question. Hang in the question. Suspend judgment.”

I am suspending but it has suspended parts of me that I want to be free.

I have a record in my hand. I play it again and again. I want others to hear it, to listen to it, to know it but my intention. There is a void in the intention that has not yet been discovered.

He said, “You can’t spend your life being validated by all human beings on the earth.”

I have the record in my hand.

Agh but I know why I can’t let it go!

I value the truth. The truth is this record has shaped and formed me. It is not the injustice or the validation. It is not the “I am a survivor” mentality.  It is neither the “I am a victim mentality.” It is the wisdom. It is the want for others to be spared from the misery.

I wonder what would be best when truth is refused.  I can take the song and re-arrange it! I can make a new song. I can include the healing. I can change lyrics to fit the season but I cannot lie. I’m so sorry. I know they wish I would.  I wish I could. I try. It poisons me.

I am the worlds worst liar so I keep the record. Its not the same as before. I did change it! I re-wrote it! I hope when they listen to it, they can know it isn’t about the shame, not about the blame.

No, it is the song of my life.

I keep a record but not the record.

I keep a record.

I play it for them.

They deny.

The truth will set you free. Listen to the record.

Listen to it, maybe they can be freed.

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