I know it sounds crazy but a lot of the things I do are for these hypothetical children I may never have. I want them to have a happy mom. I want them to have a healed mom. I want them to have a mother who knows how to take care of herself, who knows her identity, who knows how to give herself away because she has given herself the opportunity to blossom.
I had pressing desires in my mind that I could never get rid of. One desire was to go back to New York City. I wanted to do a program at Broadway Dance Center. The second desire was to finish college. I also wanted to not be angry or afraid. I wanted so badly to be a genuine person. I wanted to love children without anger entering my heart. I had a lot of hang-ups. I wanted an eating disorder to disappear. I wanted a lot of things.
All of those things that I wanted either have happened or are in the process of becoming. Fear is a life-long journey after-all. I will never look back and regret or wish for things. I have fought for everything that has mattered to me! I have lost a lot in the process. I didn’t win every battle but I did not give up! I did let go and there is a difference.
Now, I move forward with other old desires. For me no desire is new. I’ve always wanted the same things. I wanted a family. I had a vision for this place of excellence in arts. I wanted to give to children, mothers, and fathers. I wanted to give them a place to find their identities, their talents, their hopes, their dreams. I dreamt of a place where people could get counseling and help with other resources. I saw a place where the old were praying and giving out their wisdom to the young. I saw what was broken turn into beauty.
I don’t know how it will all come to pass but I never really believed I would find myself in the dance studios of NYC either. I never saw myself in North Carolina again and here I am.
This is a year of learning sign language. It is the year of getting back to the basics with Jesus. This is a year of financial healing. This is a year of strength and peace. This is a year of prayer. We do walk by faith and not by sight right.
As I serve at my restaurant job today, I practice scriptures about anger. I practice loving me. I practice patience. I practice kindness. I practice seeing people as people. I see my sin. I see my humanity. As I live in the state of North Carolina, I enjoy being re-united with my childhood best friend. I re-connect with her. I travel also to see my early twenties best friend. God’s greatest treasures to me are my closest friends (I love you Katie, Miranda, Erica, Kabryn, Kayla, and Sharon). I remember them and it doesn’t really matter that I don’t know exactly what is happening right this second. I have a record for making crazy decisions that work out. Maybe its time to start trusting that.
Whom the son sets free is free indeed….