She had the onsets of dementia. She had cancer. I was taking her to the doctor. Sweet. That is how I would describe her. She was sweet. Her walls were filled with pictures. She was proud of her daughter. She loved her family. Her husband had passed. She was weak. She wanted no help unless absolutely necessary. She looked at me while we were in the car. She repeated over and over, “But Jesus washed Judas’ feet. Jesus washed Judas’ feet.” I can still see her face. I was only with her that one day but her face. It is burned in my skull with such significance I must sit with it.
Jesus loved Judas. He knew that Judas was a traitor and yet he loved him. Love your enemies and bless those who curse you. Jesus gave Judas the money bag. He knew he would steal. There are some things to be learned from Jesus. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Number one. Number two, “Jesus kept Judas as part of the twelve but he was not in the closer circle that went with Jesus to pray.” Judas was loved despite himself.
I see the Judas in my life and feel hatred. I want retribution. I want to be rude. I used to have love for them but it left me. Everything takes practice. Not one thing is set in stone. Character is a choice after all. I chose to leave love behind. I chose a way of death. I did choose it.
I look at Jesus. Many hate the truth of Jesus. This goes for Christians and non-Christians alike. Karma. There is a law of karma on this earth. “Eye for eye and tooth for tooth.” The law of karma operates on this earth outside of the love of Jesus Christ but let me tell you something that you may not want to hear, “The rapist gets into heaven,” “the murderer.” The ones who molested me as a child, they get in and Jesus loves them.
Jesus looks on these men and he sees their entire lives and if they so choose to come to God, God will accept them. Christians hate this and so they pervert the message of Grace. They make more rules. They are as pharisees. Never forget that Paul was a murderer and God made him into a messenger. God’s ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts.
I look at the ones who damaged pieces of me and I don’t hate them. I don’t hate the men who speak to me as if I am nothing more than a dish to be devoured. What I wish for is that I could smile carefree wherever I go. I wish I didn’t have to protect myself. I am weary with self-protection. I look for the balance. I choose to no longer allow what happened to dictate my kindness. I am kind. I am joy. I bubble with it. It radiates out of my eyes. I go into hiding when I feel unsafe. It feels safer to self-protect but it kills the soul as the soul is not free to be self. We were made to be seen fully as we are. I choose to love Judas. For me Judas is the man. Judas is also the woman but that is for another writing. I journey this year to love man again and to forgive him. I forgive you men as I forgave him. He touched many girls. I was one of them. He is homeless now. I am not happy about it. He never chose life. I cry for his life as I lay with burden for my own healing. I let him go today knowing full well I may scoop him back up tomorrow. I want to live in the Grace of Jesus Christ. I keep looking for him. Release me from this karma mentality.
It is true we do reap what we sew but the love of God surpasses all the laws of the land. Every single one of them. Jesus. Who is this Jesus? I am still questioning and wondering myself but for now know he is the one who loves Judas. Jesus is the lover of the sinner. I hope he can put in me a heart that can do the same.
I will wash the feet of Judas. I will wash his feet. Paul hated Christians and then spent his life as a servant to them. Make me that. Make me that!