Choices

I am figuring out what I want. The thing about this process is what if I don’t really want what I think I want. There was a boy I wanted once. I got him. He was nothing that I really wanted. I wanted to learn how to paint. A wonderful woman taught me how to paint a swing and a tree. I learned I didn’t want to learn how to paint. I appreciated it but had no interest in pursuing it with my time. There are many things I think I want that I don’t want.

What if what I want is actually to please others? I could go to grad school.  Do I want to go because I want to go or because I want to become more appealing to a future mate? Is it because I need a vocation or do I really care about the work that I would do? Is it okay if its for all those reasons?

Self-awareness can be a terrible place. There are things I don’t think I want that I might actually want. I used to want to be a teacher. I convince myself I don’t want that anymore. I don’t know if I don’t want that or if I don’t want the anxiety. Its the anxiety not the teaching. I used to want to be a writer. I used to want to sing and to dance. I still want those things possibly and I am afraid that I will succeed.  If I succeed I will have to face my worst fears; being seen and cultivating relationships with people.

Choices must be made. Choices are made regardless. Participate or don’t. I am sitting with choices placed in front of me.  And this is where I look up again and say, “Hey God help me to see what could be.”

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